me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Note to self: always read the final line
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it