*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud