My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet