Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You Might Also Like
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.