Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”