*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*