I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.