BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
another case of gang violins
LA today:
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.