School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
How to woo a woman
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?