What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.