Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING