When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
You Might Also Like
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.