You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
black phone good
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.