*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
You Might Also Like
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
accurate
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law