I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Never forget.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.