Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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I put the mess in domestic.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa