Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.