Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon