We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You Might Also Like
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Money is the root of all wealth
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
oppen heimer style lol
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?