god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
my fav colour is also hitler
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)