A leaf blower, but for people.
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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…