I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.