“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
A huge thanks to the person that did this
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.