waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no