When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?