My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
You Might Also Like
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
the clam before the storm
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
best first i’ve ever seen