Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You Might Also Like
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.