Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…