The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
You Might Also Like
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
kitchen magnet
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.