Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]