doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes