Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.