Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession