BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.