As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
it be like that
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.