me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.