we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too