[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”