Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.