ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
You sure about that?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
You are what you delete.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.