i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
nobody’s gonna understand
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.