A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?