his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.