hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.