british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
my retirement plan is braless
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.