[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
A leaf blower, but for people.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you