Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
You Might Also Like
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
me when the borders lift