doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
You Might Also Like
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.