had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
nice challenge
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?