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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine